Saturday, 27 October 2012

Skydark




The clouds painted with hints of heaven cast deep, sinister shadows on the beating surf below, slapping at the rocks with the aquatic wrath of a god. The soft arms of nirvana, where glinting gates of gold peep out, allow the Sky god to offer himself as a host, and to dramatize the celestial love from above. The ridges of the nebulae turn from blue to pink as the Sun closes her weary eyes and drifts along to the edge of darkness, shepherding oranges and reds into her sacred field of sleep.

 As my dark pools are torn from the fantastic realm above, I see fields of rusted fronds fluttering in the wind. Strands of cobwebbed hair determined to distract my vision cannot mar this delight: the silver spray from the waves; the pink bonfire of beaming divinity; the teasing light from across the bay. The latter entices my interests with its bitter brightness – a sparkling jewel amongst the lurid colours of sunset. My heart urges me to edge nearer to this furtive radiance and so my legs amble over rocks encrusted with crackling salt crystals, and spiked grasses bleached blue by the Earth’s malice, until the night engulfs my clouded mind and the swirls hanging above.

Chills lace my body as dribbles of icy water seep into my sink; the light draws me closer still. I find myself at the end of the shore.

Before me – nothing but the dark perils of a wintry sea, behind me – the echoes of rusted tufts of deathly shrubs, melting and fragmenting into the curling wind. Below, the hungry waves kiss my feet, waiting for the final plunge; above, the light screams for me, bellowing my name.

The yellow glare penetrates my shivering bones, extracting my soul, my will. So brilliant, so intense – I must join you at the core. My essence, slipped from my hollow shell skips from the shore onto each swirling wave, like the gold flecks from the fountain above, dancing in the bubbling sea.

*

Closer and closer our hearts collide. I release a howl, you discharge a sigh. The rain ceases; the wind croaks; our spirit surges; we are one.






















Copyright © JRFB 2012 

Thursday, 25 October 2012

'I love you according to my bond'

It kills me when I think like this, but the only reason you're still in my life is because you have to be. Over the past few years you've been slipping away from my heart, and the cord of familiarity is shrinking and shriveling.
After you rouse my boiling frustrations, my heart is heated, aggravated by the flames of searing guilt as I know that such thoughts are against my bonds. But why are you so purposefully spiteful to me?
Do you care? Do you want to help?
We are one, in a sense - I am you and you are me - so have some respect for a part of yourself. Despite my precautions, you still push me further and further away and soon I won't come back. It's exhausting knowing you. Stop wounding me. But each time I prolong our meetings, I prolong confrontation; one last stand is in order - but will I ever come to face it?

Fear overshadows my vexation; fear devours my bleeding heart.

Let me breathe. Let me heal.



Copyright © JRFB 2012 

Monday, 1 October 2012

Loving Through Lies

"What use is there in saying 'I love you' when almost instantly preceding this I think,      'I despise you. Burn'?

For you and I, there is no distinction. Whatever is conjured within my torn soul - shredded by your malice - punctures my enflamed heart, now swollen from your toxins. It is no use resisting, for you return, uninvited - a phantasm gently reaching for my spine, splicing my soul from within.

Freezing fires kill me; revive me; hold me.
Screaming with echoes of euphoric horror as I 
watch your scythe draw near.

My lungs, drowning in your cruelty, draw no air,

My breath evaporates - my blood dies - 
Eyes remain - petrified, molten:

'I mean no harm, I have come to love you'.

Every    

             word    
                           scolds      
each twisted hair on my corpse
scratching deep into my soul.

Air abandons me;

- I do not blame you -
now the fires steam as they
die
All that remains is my broken soul
                                                        - it reeks of death
scathed, black, putrid 

                                     by your simple touch -




Let me out. Don't come back to me, you keep me from my dreams. I do not want you; Love does not want you.

 But love cannot simply be brushed onto empty pages".








Copyright © JRFB 2012 

Monday, 17 September 2012

Words I wish I could speak

I am writing this for you because I am tired of not being able to express how grateful I am. These words are the best I can come up with for now, but still don't do you justice...


Before I knew you, my life was epitomised by a vacant nothingness, an ill-fitting vision of trying to be like everybody else. I felt misunderstood and oppressed; depressed; like nothing I did was good enough, like my whole life was a mistake - frightened, outcasted, alone.

But my soul became blazed with illuminated passions when your influence stole into my heart, when perpetual flames of elation ignited in my veins. You made me realise that I am not just 'weird', a 'misfit', an 'alien' - I am merely myself, Jaguar, and my thoughts and actions are what comprise me, make me special.

Your tender love and ardent cares for humanity astonish me; I can honestly say that I have never felt more comfortable and ready to accept myself than when I think of your valiant and admirable outlook on life. Your words, your aura, are so pure; a light in a once dark world, where phantoms chased me, now soothes away the pain of being different and encourages innovativeness and self-expression.

This has never happened to me before, and at times, it overwhelms me; but know this: your soul - celestial, radiant, opalescent - is the most beautiful presence I have ever felt. You are everything I could ever hope for. I can only thank the Fates for leading me to you.

You really have changed my life.

Now I am much more poised and content with my inner-self, and I owe it all to you; your Phoenix love, burning incandescent over me gives me strength, honour, elation.

Jessica to me, you are truly exquisite. I hope that one day I can meet you and experience your ethereal beauty first hand.


Jaguar



Copyright © JRFB 2012 

Wednesday, 12 September 2012

The Storm

Your words unspoken have drained
me - soaked me
with remorse and hatred of
those things left to melt away;
fade; drip; through a meaningless
pool of regret.

Seeing into your soul so clearly -a tumultuous river
relentlessly blaming its watery veins - striving to be understood -
appreciated - loved -

My heart quakes. My petrified soul allegedly withstood the pain;
now
the sharp pangs of Chaos pulsate through my mind
torn, ripping,
extracting
every detail - into the maelstrom unleashed.

Distress is my companion -
Anarchy, my aid -

You, however remain
a dull cave
                   of guilt:
Strangely, the artery proceeding

my dying    soul is here; etched,  carved in
lies
within You, my Saviour.



Copyright © JRFB 2012

Saturday, 18 August 2012

Fever

you are an illness
just as I get better - at pretending I don't
care - you make me - love - sick again





Copyright © JRFB 2013

I'm still learning.

THIS SUMMER has been hopeless in terms of enhancing my academic skills, but I think now with August coming to a close, and the warm colours and autumnal shades of September falling upon us, I am one step closer to "finding myself".

A friend and I set this task as our number one priority this summer - and I think I may have (somehow) unconsciously accomplished this. Although I have been intoxicated for a good 4 weeks and I must have drunk about ten times my body weight in alcoholic beverages (spirits to let my spirits soar), I think that over the past few months I have learnt a thing or two...

This summer I realise that I am more comfortable and confident as a person. I'm not quite there yet, but I'm trying to live as I am and not as someone may think I should live.

I'm odd, but not a misfit but when caged up with tame canaries, I become the wild finch: solitary, outcast, frozen in apprehension. I like to form my own opinions about entities in life, and not to have my mind poisoned before being given a chance to speculate. What good is it to be human, to possess free will, only to have that privilege oppressed, wasted?

To be short, I am Jaguar: nothing more, nothing less. I believe that true identity lies deep within the soul; I was born to grow into myself, not into this person or that person; what good is it to try and 'guide' someone through life when in reality this only results in a twisted map and a desolate soul?





Copyright © JRFB 2012