You Can Never Be Mine

As you clasp my Heart it crumbles into

Nothing.

When I breathe in your beauty -

It chokes me inside;

Every time I leave you

it's like half of my Life has gone,

the flames of existence brutally diminished -

Ghosts of sorrow remain -

But I know I'll only hurt you.

Seeing what I have done to you

Breaks my Heart;

it was never my intention to see you

Fall -

Hearing the very words I dreaded; ones I made you speak

engulfs my parched Soul with seething ruin.

But eventually, I wish to be

Free

         of the horrifying Truth.

I know now that things may never be the same:

every time I see your Face

the wounds in my Heart sting

and your own Heart - splintered -

With my own Selfishness.

                      Self-forgiveness for how I've made you feel is

Unthinkable.

I would choose you over my own Dead body

Always - Love leads to ruin,

Friendship leads to yet more pain.

Because of Me, it now hurts us both

to look at one another.

Because of Me, our whole lives may be shattered

and rebuilt with missing and ill-fitting fragments. 

Because of Me, this agonizing cycle of love

            Will never end - 


Copyright © JRFB 2011

Life: an entity we can all enjoy

Life is something precious. I feel that we sometimes forget this, overlook it,or focus solely on what isn't going right. Life can be guided and misguided; shaped and re-shaped; lit up and distinguished. My Life is something which I have learnt to value very much. Although I am fortunate enough to have never experienced a mishap which would alter my way of living for the rest of my existence, it is this reason that I feel blessed to breathe the fresh breeze every day, to feel the pulse of the Earth under my toes.

 Of course there are those days where all rational thinking about the sanctity of Life is lost, and I much rather would stay enclosed, stuffed between the bed and the duvet, blocking the Sun and all other sources of vitality from my clouded mind. I have appropriately called them my 'Dark Days'. They occur approximately once a fortnight, and everything seems to crumble to lonesome, fragile dust and self-pity (and loathing). I seem to forget that this moment is fleeting and I will soon return to my headquarters of optimism, golden hope and a genuine adoration for the spiritual connection between Light and Life that I feel when everything is running smoothly.

Life is exquisite, differential, purposeful; but only if you allow it to be.

Every day, having been roused from the bed of dreams where my soul is allowed to explore beyond the 'limitations' of Life, I seek to discover an intention for my waking, a reason for my rupture of sweet slumbers. I discovered this: each day is different, therefore each day there is something different to live for.

I did not have to look far, for I did not even leave the house; gazing at the burning Sun, inhaling an air of light, darkness, joy and sorrow, I realised. The slight tittering and fluttering of morning birds, ecstatically soaring around the sky, seemed to burst into lurid colours: deep greens and browns surrounded the light, bursting like works of fires, shattering into burning shards of feathery glass. There; the smell of recently mowed grass, sharp and sweet like an exotic fruit juices invaded my nostrils, overcoming any doubt of whether to turn of the light and retreat back into sweet sleep. 

This beauty, this euphoria, these sensations which Life provokes within, surely make vitality Victor in this battle - a skirmish between dreams and reality day and night, light and death. Yet, on both sides, the adversaries seem to drift together, blurring any such boundaries between them. In short, there is no distinction. Life is what you want it to be; it may indeed be lived through Death, or Imagination or Midnight Hours.

Each day I try to perceive Life as something new, a Friend, a Lover, a Stranger - all are equally as satisfying a seach other. All are unique. 

I adore Life and its changeability.This is the beauty of Nature, of the Soul.

Copyright © JRFB 2012