GAY PEOPLE HAVE MAGICAL POWERS: THEY CAN CONTROL THE WEATHER

 ‘…that day all the springs of the great deep burst forth, and the floodgates of the heavens were opened. And rain fell on the earth forty days and forty nights.’ (Genesis 5:32-10:1, New International Version)

Dear David Silvester,

Hi. You don’t know me and I don’t know you. But what I do know is that you have the most bizarre idea of how the natural world fundamentally works. I am of course referring to the weather. It has come to my knowledge that you have reason to believe that the recent series of flooding in the UK are the result of the nation legalising Gay Marriage.

Oh, how insightful you are!

Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m sure that Jesus’ dad already sent a flood thousands of years ago because Noah and his pals simply weren't ’doing life right’ (source: not The Bible). If my primary school R.E. education was accurate, back in the days before the modern phenomenon of twerking, there was no big booming cloud that shrieked:

'WHAT?! YOU’RE TRYING TO GIVE EACH OTHER EQUAL RIGHTS? I HOPE YOU CAN SWIM BITCHEZ BECAUSE I AM GOING TO DROWN ALL DA HUMANZ’

How queer!

Everyone knows that God flooded the world because his laptop software crashed and he had to re-boot his hard-drive system*…

Mr Silvester, what are you doing? What are you saying? You simply cannot pin the disastrous results from a natural change in the Earth’s climate (‘Global Warming’, I think it’s called) on… Love. I mean, of course people constantly write about the power of this potent force, but let me tell you, in the words of Lindsay:

‘Wrong, you’re so wrong’.

How can you possibly blame a splash of rain on same-sex marriage? Did you never watch The Day After Tomorrow?!  I can only think that the motive behind your controversial, insane and highly incorrect statement is that you, sir, are a misinformed moron (or that you don’t own a DVD player).

Call me hypocritical, but by acclaiming such a ridiculous statement, you have insulted pretty much the entire cast of Glee and THE HUMAN RACE IN GENERAL. You are stripping people of their rights and their lives. Who are you to point the finger about what causes the weather? Do you were sensible shoes and grey suit-pants and stand in front of a green screen, telling people whether they should take an umbrella to work or not tomorrow? No. Is it your job to conjure up random reasons for temperamental weather that Great Britain is shamelessly renowned for? No. 'Do you even go here?' Still, no.

Therefore, here is my suggestion: why don’t you take your homophobic, misinformed, disgusting ideologies and shove them up your unjust and I suppose wrinkled ass—

Perhaps there is another reason. I have looked into this, and recent studies show that the real cause for floods and extreme weather is not people of the same-sex loving one another; it is not the work of Miley Cyrus’ forked tongue; it is not the witch-craft of the feminists of Leeds University. It is the ignorance, negativity and bigotry of this world that accumulates in narrow-minded politicians like you! Such idiotic views make me sick to the stomach and quite frankly, it is because of people like you that so many have been and still are repressed, depressed, silenced and worst of all, denied of their true identities and abilities to express themselves for who they are: human.

Do you honestly think that God cares about whether a man loves another man, or a woman loves another woman? This is 2014 – 

Honestly, Mr Silvester, sometimes I wonder if you even considered the logistics of the situation on Noah’s ark. He gathered two by two of every animal… Unless he had extremely keen gaydar that was finely tuned for the sexual preferences of animals, how did he know if he had picked up two straight animals and if they were of different genders? The man was over 600 years old, how was he to know?* And now, before I go on, I hear you smirk:

‘A homosexual animal? How absurd and utterly impossible.’

Well, allow me to shock you as you sip your Earl Grey from that china antique – the sexually liberal dolphin, dominating lion and daring dragonfly species are all known for being ‘a little bit gay’ and so there is no way of knowing if this sort of hanky-panky did or did not occur on the ark. I’m not insinuating that Noah’s ark was some sort of animal sex-den, but this insight has opened a few doors…

Regardless, gay animals, humans, bendy rulers, Sarah Jessica Parker's mole, ARE PEOPLE TOO and are not to blame for the changing weather cycles. I know that it’s easy to shift the blame when you’re running late for work on a Monday morning, you've spilt coffee down your new slacks and now the bloody rain is pelting it down, but it is NEVER OK to make such ridiculous accusations.

Please re-evaluate your life and remember this: it is literally impossible for the LGBT community to be held responsible for the UK’s flooding – their emblem is a colourful rainbow representing the celebratory calm after the harsh, gruelling storm of injustice. We are fighting hard for equality and you are setting us back. The only accusation of same-sex marriage I hope to see is of abnormal sunny spells in Britain, as I’m sure it is written in the Bible somewhere that Love can only cause eternal sunshine...

The storm clouds of hate are clearing. We’re nearly there. The future is bright.

Sincerely,

King Lion AKA Jaguar the Lion.

*disclaimer: Some information here may or may not be true. I am trying to be comical, not insulting. I apologise if I offend anyone unintentionally in this post.



Copyright © JRFB 2013

Soup: A thought on categorising Life...

Labels are supposed to create a sense of order and a sense of categorisation in order to avoid any chance of chaos arising. Yet, think about how traumatic it can be for someone who identifies themselves as a Tomato Soup, but really they have doubts about their 'soupability' and perhaps would prefer to be a Minestrone.

We all share similar ingredients, but each is an individual because of the secret substance within; we are all cans of different flavours.

Finding yourself consuming Asian Prawn Soup without knowing it is Asian Prawn Soup because the label has fallen off is far more exciting, daring and intriguing than having specific knowledge of the ingredients, as it leaves more scope for one to interpret it in different ways, therefore appealing to a wider range of customers. 

I, for example could be less vague with this topic and pinpoint that I am of course referring to teenage fashion and how it is arguably less individual and more of an social stigma for one to say
 'I'm Indie, I don't follow rules and that's why I bought this red snapback...'
 - the fact that one needs to brand oneself is a labeling statement in itself. But this is not purely about trends and fashion (although it may be interpreted in this way by all means), this soup metaphor is about YOU, about individuality, about not having to complicate things by ironically trying to categorise them. 

As soon as you say 'I am this' or 'I am that', the walls around the statement cement together, encasing you in a make-shift prison, disallowing any departure of something which does not befit the label. 

To summarise, my advice is this: be free, be fluid and for God's sake, be something that you feel comfortable being... Be simply yourself, and leave the labeling to cans.





Copyright © JRFB 2012

Discrimination

Throughout my entire life I have been brought up to perceive other Human beings as equals and that it is wrong  to judge by one’s shade of melanin, or by one’s size of feet and certainly not by one’s preferred Church clothes. Of course these are perhaps peculiar features which one could judge a person on, but I’d just like to point out that prejudging someone on their race is just as ridiculous are prejudging someone because they are wearing a rather unflattering brown jacket which does not indeed match their skin in any way and so they definitely do not have a sense of taste or style in any way.

It is very well for one to say ‘I do not judge, I love everyone’, because that is obviously heinous blasphemy to the laws of discrimination. Everybody hates someone. This is not meant to be an indirect attack on the conduct of which we, as humans live our lives, but is merely a statement relatable to us all, even if we fail to admit it. Everyone hates someone, be it because once someone asked to borrow your blue gel pen in pre-school and then never returned it, conjuring up a livid fire of hatred and causing you to make a personal vendetta against that person; or perhaps whilst in your public library, you simply saw someone who you preferred to show distain for, rather than gentle indifference. Indeed, distain can cause pleasure (for the conjuror anyway). Sometimes it is simply nice to not like a person; it shows variety within your range of emotions and human interaction.

However, I am in no way encouraging a rebellion within humanity, sparked by a few controversial words by a nomadic misanthropist who loathes her very existence and that of everyone around her. I am highlighting how it is perhaps worse to pretend that we all get along like bees in an beehive (exclude the episodes when the drone bees gang-rape the Queen and then brutally force her to lay eggs for the remainder of her short life…..) and that we should get off our do-gooder’s high-horse and just admit that there are some entities in Life that we cannot control: our abilities to hate.

Hopefully we are all mature enough not to actually show our hatred, but to at least show a sense of civility and false affections. Yes, here I am accusing humanity to be superficial and that behind every smile there is a pernicious abhorrence for just about anything that dares to show even a glimpse of nuisance. So what? Hate is hate, and like deathly fire, once sparked, it will intensify as time goes on, with only [holy] water to threaten its nefarious glow.

Disclaimer: After reading this prose you will perhaps hate me, the creator of such monstrous and disreputable thoughts. Good. I hate you too. Now get out of my yard.

Only Daria understands me...

Copyright © JRFB 2012