‘…that day all the springs of the great deep burst forth, and the floodgates of the heavens were opened. And rain fell on the earth forty days and forty nights.’ (Genesis 5:32-10:1, New International Version)
Dear David Silvester,
Hi. You don’t know me and I don’t know you.
But what I do know is that you have the most bizarre idea of how the natural
world fundamentally works. I am of course referring to the weather. It has come
to my knowledge that you have reason to believe that the recent series of
flooding in the UK are the result of the nation legalising Gay Marriage.
Oh, how insightful you are!
Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m sure
that Jesus’ dad already sent a flood thousands of years ago because Noah and
his pals simply weren't ’doing life right’ (source: not The Bible). If my primary
school R.E. education was accurate, back in the days before the modern
phenomenon of twerking, there was no big booming cloud that shrieked:
'WHAT?!
YOU’RE TRYING TO GIVE EACH OTHER EQUAL RIGHTS? I HOPE YOU CAN SWIM BITCHEZ BECAUSE I AM
GOING TO DROWN ALL DA HUMANZ’
How queer!
Everyone knows that God flooded the world
because his laptop software crashed and he had to re-boot his hard-drive system*…
Mr Silvester,
what are you doing? What are you saying? You simply cannot pin the disastrous
results from a natural change in the Earth’s climate (‘Global Warming’, I think
it’s called) on… Love. I mean, of course people constantly write
about the power of this potent force,
but let me tell you, in the words of Lindsay:
‘Wrong, you’re so wrong’.
How can you possibly blame a splash of rain
on same-sex marriage? Did you never watch The
Day After Tomorrow?! I can only think
that the motive behind your controversial, insane and highly incorrect
statement is that you, sir, are a misinformed moron (or that you don’t own a DVD player).
Call me hypocritical, but by acclaiming
such a ridiculous statement, you have insulted pretty much the entire cast of
Glee and THE HUMAN RACE IN GENERAL. You are stripping people of their rights and
their lives. Who are you to point the
finger about what causes the weather? Do you were sensible shoes and grey suit-pants and
stand in front of a green screen, telling people whether they should take an
umbrella to work or not tomorrow? No. Is it your job to conjure up random
reasons for temperamental weather that Great Britain is shamelessly renowned
for? No. 'Do you even go here?' Still, no.
Therefore, here is my suggestion: why don’t
you take your homophobic, misinformed, disgusting ideologies and shove them up
your unjust and I suppose wrinkled ass—
Perhaps there is another reason. I have
looked into this, and recent studies show that the real cause for floods and extreme weather is not people of the same-sex loving one another; it is not the work of Miley Cyrus’ forked tongue;
it is not the witch-craft of the feminists of Leeds
University. It is the ignorance, negativity and
bigotry of this world that accumulates in narrow-minded politicians like you! Such idiotic views
make me sick to the stomach and quite frankly, it is because of people like you that so many have been and still are repressed, depressed, silenced and
worst of all, denied of their true identities and abilities to express
themselves for who they are: human.
Do you honestly think that God cares about
whether a man loves another man, or a woman loves another woman? This is 2014 –
Honestly, Mr Silvester, sometimes I wonder
if you even considered the logistics of the situation on Noah’s ark. He
gathered two by two of every animal… Unless he had extremely keen gaydar that
was finely tuned for the sexual preferences of animals, how did he know if he
had picked up two straight animals
and if they were of different genders? The man was over 600 years old, how was
he to know?* And now, before I go on, I hear you smirk:
‘A homosexual animal? How absurd and
utterly impossible.’
Well, allow me to shock you as you sip your
Earl Grey from that china antique – the sexually liberal dolphin, dominating
lion and daring dragonfly species are all known for being ‘a little bit gay’
and so there is no way of knowing if this sort of hanky-panky did or did not
occur on the ark. I’m not insinuating that Noah’s ark was some sort of animal
sex-den, but this insight has opened a few doors…
Regardless, gay animals, humans, bendy
rulers, Sarah Jessica Parker's mole, ARE PEOPLE TOO and are not to blame for the changing weather cycles. I
know that it’s easy to shift the blame when you’re running late for work on a
Monday morning, you've spilt coffee down your new slacks and now the bloody
rain is pelting it down, but it is NEVER OK to make such ridiculous
accusations.
Please re-evaluate your life and remember
this: it is literally impossible for the LGBT community to be held responsible
for the UK’s flooding – their emblem is a colourful rainbow representing the celebratory
calm after the harsh, gruelling storm of injustice. We are fighting hard for
equality and you are setting us back. The only accusation of same-sex marriage
I hope to see is of abnormal sunny spells in Britain, as I’m sure it is written
in the Bible somewhere that Love can only cause eternal sunshine...
The storm clouds
of hate are clearing. We’re nearly there. The future is bright.
Sincerely,
King Lion AKA Jaguar the Lion.
Sincerely,
King Lion AKA Jaguar the Lion.
*disclaimer: Some information here may or may not be true. I am trying to be comical, not insulting. I apologise if I offend anyone unintentionally in this post.
Copyright © JRFB 2013
